He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
