Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize