I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
