i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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