some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
operation have a gay friend backfired
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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