why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
