So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
