My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
