While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
