I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
