man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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