Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
