you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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