Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
