I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
