You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
