I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
