I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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