1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
