Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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