The maid of honor just puked.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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