I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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