I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
