11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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