Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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