Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
