Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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