Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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