Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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