My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
