Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
