btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
