Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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