The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
