The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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