omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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