I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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