oh god the rape fog is back!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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