I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
