She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
