so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
