My sheets look like a crime scene.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
