if you like me you must not know who I am
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
