My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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