You're completely useless in the revolution.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
