$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
