i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
