so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
