At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
