I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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