note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wear drunk well.
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